Too Bright To See, Too Loud To Hear

So here is my list of top listens of 2009. Some of these werent released in 2009. Keep your eyes out for the CD's that don't fit, there are a few.

Anarbor - Free Your Mind
AFI - Crash Love
AFI - Sing The Sorrow
AFI - Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes
Against Me! - New Wave
The All- American Rejects - When The World Comes Down
As Cities Burn - Come. Now. Sleep.
As Tall As Lions - As Tall As Lions
The Audition - Self-Titled Album
Betrayal - The Peoples Fallacy
Blood for Blood - Outlaw Anthems
Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me.
Bring Me The Horizon - Suicide Season
Carridale - Attack of the Bro-Bots(Redux)
City and Colour - Sometimes
City and Colour - Live
City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love
Confide - Shout The Truth
Crime in Stereo - Explosive and the Will to Use Them
Crime in Stereo - Is Dead
The Cure - Disintegration
Dance Gavin Dance - Happiness
Danger Radio - Punch Your Lights Out
Darkest Hour - Undoing Ruin
Dave Melillo - Talk is Cheap
A Day to Remember - Homesick
Dear and the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
Deez Nuts - Stay True
Dr. Dre - Chronic 2001
Endwell - Consequences
Evergreen Terrace - Sincerity Is An Easy Disguise in This Business
Evergreen Terrace - Wolfbiker
Evergreen Terrace - Almost Home
Eye Alaska - Genesis Underground
Fight Fair! -Settle The Score
Finch - What it is to Burn
Fireworks - All I Have to Offer is my Own Confusion
Foo Fighters - One By One
For The Fallen Dreams - Relentless
For Today - Portraits
Four Year Strong - Rise or Die Trying
Gallows - Grey Britain
The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound
The Ghost Inside - Fury and the Fallen
Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute
The Glorious Unseen - Tonight the Stars Speak
The Great Commission - Every Knee Shall Bow
Gym Class Heroes - As Cruel as School Children
Gym Class Heroes - The Quilt
H2O - Nothing to Prove
The Higher - On Fire
Honey Honey - First Rodeo
I Am Terrified - I Am Terrified
Imogen Heap - Speak For Yourself
Impending Doom - The Serpent Servant
In Irons - Heartbeat of the Times
John Legend - Evolver
Johnny Craig - A Dream is a Question You Can't Answer
Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache
K'naan - Troubadour
Ligeia - Bad News
A Loss For Words - The Kids Can't Lose
Love Is Red - The Hardest Fight
Lydia - Illuminate
Lydia - This December...It's One More and I'm Free
Mayday Parade - A Lesson in Romantic's
Mayday Parade - Anywhere But Here
Means - Sending You Strength
Means - To Keep Me From Sinking
Misery Signals - Controller
MxPx - Secret Weapon
MyChildren, MyBride - Unbreakable
NeverShoutNever! - Me and My Uke
NeverShoutNever! - The Summer EP
NeverShoutNever! - The Yippee EP
No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom
Oceana - Birth Eater
The Offspring - Americana
The Offspring - Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace
Owl City - Ocean Eyes
Paramore - Brand New Eyes
The Red Baron - My First Love
Relient K - Mmhmm
Relient K - The Birds and The Bee Sides
Ruiner - Hell is Empty
Ruiner - I Heard These Dudes Were Assholes
Ruiner - Prepare to be Let Down
Saints Never Surrender - Brutus
Senses Fail - Still Searching
Senses Fail - Life is Not A Waiting Room
Set Your Goals - Mutiny!
Set Your Goals - This Will Be the Death of Us
Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
Sleeping Giant - Dread Champions of the Last Days
Sleeping Giant - Sons of Thunder
The Starting Line - Directions
Stick To Your Guns - Comes From The Heart
T.I. - Paper Trail
Take It Back! - Cant Fight Robots
Teddy Gieger - Underage Thinking
This Will Destroy You - Young Mountains
Trenches - The Tide Will Swallow Us Whole
UnderOath - Lost in The Sound of Separation
Villette - Looks Like You Missed Out EP
xDeathstarx - We Are The Threat


The bold titles are cd's that meant more to me than just music and melodies. It helped me through rough times, helped me enjoy fun times and things like down. This year was full of ups and downs and it shows it in my music.

A Camera Lens And Careful Days

I love writing. I've done it as a way to express myself when I didn't have any other way too. Its released the pressure inside me when I was about to explode; love, hate, jealousy, faith, God or lack-there-of, friends, betrayal, politics, You name it and I've written about it. I never, ever censor what I say or what I want to say. I write what I need to say with the mentality of "I don't give a fuck what you think." I always have and I always will write like that and over the years that mentality has just transferred into my life and I love it.

I've always had something to say, about everything. Nothing has ever been simple in my eyes or mind. I could never sum up everything in one short line and that's why I started writing. The thing is lately everything has been in simple explanations. This has happened before, I wouldn't call it writers block because I'm definitely inspired still; inspired to take photos, write blogs, learn more techniques for photography or in photoshop, but I can't write a poem to save my life and that why poetry was put into my life, to save it.

The thing about the last statement, I thought for the longest time that my ability to write poem's was Gods gift to keep me alive, to express how I felt when I was suicidal so I wouldn't actually kill myself. Poetry was placed in my life to save my life but it's not my poetry that's doing it. I believe with all my heart that my writing will save someone else life just like how other peoples poems have saved mine. I've always been obsessed with lyrics and there are always lyrics that are exactly what I want to say but for some reason I cant say;

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you I want to. I can't forgive you. I know you want me to want you I want to."- Mayday Parade

"So this I swear I know, it's not the chemicals. You are off my mind, I finally got away. You said it's such a life to remember, so come on, and we'll sleep away December." - Lydia

"Goddamn", he said, "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." - Have Heart

"I love you so damn much; I’ll even start to pray. I’ll put my faith in all your bullshit if it means you’ll stay." - Senses Fail

These are just a few examples of lyrics that, at some point or another, have done more for me than anything my friends could have said or I could have written.

In my mind, those four statements are some of the most beautiful lines ever written. I sit there an analyze them over and over again, shredding them to pieces. Like how the singer of Lydia says "it's not the chemicals" referring to his battle with depression and its one of those moments you get the privilege of having ever so often when you can actually think straight or the way the singer of Have Heart, out of pure frustration, says "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." Anyone that has ever dealt with depression can understand that feeling of finally being happy and fight the episode that's coming and finally it becomes to much. I could go on for days and days and days about just those four quotes.

I guess the only thing I'm really trying to say is....take what you want out of what you've read, everything is up for your own interpretation.




Side note...
The two pictures in this blog were taken about 3 and a half years apart. The top one was around December 2005 in Lancaster, CA in the middle of my depression and you can see how miserable I was. The other one was taken April 2009 in Madison, AL and I love that picture because I look so happy because I was genuinely happy in that picture. It's photographic proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the fight against depression. I never thought I would see that light but I did. If anyone reading this struggles with depression I can and will personally tell you there is hope, it does end.

Somebody's Gonna Miss Us

St. Louis Missouri July 2003.


The other night I was hanging out with Jenn and she pulls out her high school yearbooks. I found a random picture of myself and my friends from 9th grade playing hackie sack, I didn't know it was there. I had completely forgot about that, or those people at least.

We go through each year and jr year still had my picture in it even though I left halfway through the year. I look at my picture and laugh and ignore the blue box around just assuming it. Then I hear "did you notice the blue box?" Turns out the blue box is for cute boys. Cute right?

We finally got to senior year and she just kept telling me these great stories. Stories from being on the robotics team, stories from grad night, things like that. After we finished I grabbed my phone and posted a tweet basically saying "for the first since in 4 years I actually feel like I missed out on my senior year." I was in awe that I actually said that, I had a blast my senior year. My senior year I mainly spent doing merch for a few of my friends bands. I got to go to shows out of town at least once or twice a week for the end of 2005 and at least three times a week for the first couple months of 2006. I was all over California. Not to mention when I wasn't out with my friends I was working an internship as an editor for a video podcast. I had a blast doing both of those things and now I have friends spread across the west coast because of it and I have the job that I have now.
I was talking to another friend from high school about it today and her reply has been ringing in my head all day. "You shouldn't feel like you missed out because you didn't have the stereotypical normal high school experience." She's right, I didn't. Nothing in my life has ever been normal and I accepted that a long time ago.

I never thought I would write these words but I wish I went to prom, I wish I acted like a jackass at football games, I wish I went to grad night, I wish I walked in the graduation ceremony with friends.