Still Searching....

Was 2009 anything that I expected? Hell no! Lets just go through the twists and turns of my year; the good and the bad choices.

January -I began my year in the great state of Alabama. I started talking to Haley, who had a crazy military boyfriend. He threatened to "beat the shit out of me" and I replied with questioning his manhood...this escalated to him threatening to kill me...I still question his manhood and even told him to do it. Good choice. My nephew sean was in the hospital for a few days, it was the single most depressing thing I had ever seen.
February - I started talking to a good friend Alli and blew that after going to dinner with my X and thinking I had a chance. Bad choice. My sister had her second child, Nolan, he was HUGE. My parents drove out from California to see the new grandchild. Good choice. I got my iPhone. Good choice. I went to see For Today/MyChildren MyBride/ The Ghost Inside in MCMB's home town. Good Choice.
March - I started talking to Stephanie. Good choice at the time...I was wrong.

April - I start my sleeve, a rising sun to show overcoming depression. Good Choice. I go tubing with Brett and Travis, leave with bruised heals and butts. I go tubing with Brett and Travis again, Brett and I fall off a huge waterfall into a deep pool, good choice, we float down the river further and Brett and I fall off a smaller waterfall and land on rocks and almost drown. Bad Choice. I go to RFKC training in Madison and go see Saints Never Surrender/ Venia/ Ambush! that same night, all on 3 hours of sleep. Good choice.
May - I turn 21. Travis moves back in with his parents and thats the end of the snake pit. I get my chest tattooed. I get more work on my arm done. Good choice. Travis and I shave birthday mustache's cause I was born on Cinco De Mayo. Good Choice.
June - I move back to California. Stephanie becomes my girlfreind. I get offered my job at Coffee House Ideas. I do the video for RFKC. I go to Oxnard with Stephanie and her cousin and his wife, Stephanie and I go to Warped Tour. I got to see my best friend Nicole for the first time in 6 months. Good choice.

July - Filming on location in the mountains, my parents go out to Alabama for 2 weeks for my oldest nephews birthday. Started fighting with Stephanie a lot. Bad choice. I bought a camera and started doing photography. Good Choice.
August - Filmed a show for a client. Went to Vegas with Stephanie for 5 days, pierced my nose, skated with her cousin Ernie everyday. Realized that on a skateboard, for me at least, everything is perfect. Good Choice. Still fought with Stephanie a lot.

September - Fought with Stephanie a lot. Added a lot more to my arm. Broke up with Stephanie. Got my life back. Great choice. I became a vegetarian again.


October - Added color to my arm. My mom had heart surgery again...it got fixed this time. I started going to Lifeline and Pulse every week. Spent Halloween working at the church. Good choice.



November - I went to lunch with Jennifer. I started blogging a lot. I started dating Jenn. I started doing more photography for bands just for fun. I go snowboarding with Jenn and Steven and break my collar bone. Jenn went to Texas for Thanksgiving, which started bittersweet December. I had Thanksgiving with my bosses family. Jenn became my girlfriend officially. Great choice.



December - I go visit Alabama for 9 days. Good choice. A day and a half after I get back Jenn leaves for Massachusetts for 12 days. I film 24 episodes of a show for a client, I work 41 hours in 3 days. Bad choice. I go down to Pico Rivera and Santa Monica with Hannah and we run out of gas on the way home, while waiting for my cousin and uncle to come rescue us we actually finish the entire 99 bottles of beer song. Hilarious choice. Jenn comes home and we exchange Christmas presents, she got me this cute bracelet with our initials engraved on it.
All in all it was a good year. Those are just some of the notable incidents of my year. It was a good year, I never expected to move home, I never expected to start dating Jenn. I never thought I'd enjoy seeing people from high school again. Man how we grow.

A Camera Lens And Careful Days

I love writing. I've done it as a way to express myself when I didn't have any other way too. Its released the pressure inside me when I was about to explode; love, hate, jealousy, faith, God or lack-there-of, friends, betrayal, politics, You name it and I've written about it. I never, ever censor what I say or what I want to say. I write what I need to say with the mentality of "I don't give a fuck what you think." I always have and I always will write like that and over the years that mentality has just transferred into my life and I love it.

I've always had something to say, about everything. Nothing has ever been simple in my eyes or mind. I could never sum up everything in one short line and that's why I started writing. The thing is lately everything has been in simple explanations. This has happened before, I wouldn't call it writers block because I'm definitely inspired still; inspired to take photos, write blogs, learn more techniques for photography or in photoshop, but I can't write a poem to save my life and that why poetry was put into my life, to save it.

The thing about the last statement, I thought for the longest time that my ability to write poem's was Gods gift to keep me alive, to express how I felt when I was suicidal so I wouldn't actually kill myself. Poetry was placed in my life to save my life but it's not my poetry that's doing it. I believe with all my heart that my writing will save someone else life just like how other peoples poems have saved mine. I've always been obsessed with lyrics and there are always lyrics that are exactly what I want to say but for some reason I cant say;

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you I want to. I can't forgive you. I know you want me to want you I want to."- Mayday Parade

"So this I swear I know, it's not the chemicals. You are off my mind, I finally got away. You said it's such a life to remember, so come on, and we'll sleep away December." - Lydia

"Goddamn", he said, "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." - Have Heart

"I love you so damn much; I’ll even start to pray. I’ll put my faith in all your bullshit if it means you’ll stay." - Senses Fail

These are just a few examples of lyrics that, at some point or another, have done more for me than anything my friends could have said or I could have written.

In my mind, those four statements are some of the most beautiful lines ever written. I sit there an analyze them over and over again, shredding them to pieces. Like how the singer of Lydia says "it's not the chemicals" referring to his battle with depression and its one of those moments you get the privilege of having ever so often when you can actually think straight or the way the singer of Have Heart, out of pure frustration, says "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." Anyone that has ever dealt with depression can understand that feeling of finally being happy and fight the episode that's coming and finally it becomes to much. I could go on for days and days and days about just those four quotes.

I guess the only thing I'm really trying to say is....take what you want out of what you've read, everything is up for your own interpretation.




Side note...
The two pictures in this blog were taken about 3 and a half years apart. The top one was around December 2005 in Lancaster, CA in the middle of my depression and you can see how miserable I was. The other one was taken April 2009 in Madison, AL and I love that picture because I look so happy because I was genuinely happy in that picture. It's photographic proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the fight against depression. I never thought I would see that light but I did. If anyone reading this struggles with depression I can and will personally tell you there is hope, it does end.