Still Searching....

Was 2009 anything that I expected? Hell no! Lets just go through the twists and turns of my year; the good and the bad choices.

January -I began my year in the great state of Alabama. I started talking to Haley, who had a crazy military boyfriend. He threatened to "beat the shit out of me" and I replied with questioning his manhood...this escalated to him threatening to kill me...I still question his manhood and even told him to do it. Good choice. My nephew sean was in the hospital for a few days, it was the single most depressing thing I had ever seen.
February - I started talking to a good friend Alli and blew that after going to dinner with my X and thinking I had a chance. Bad choice. My sister had her second child, Nolan, he was HUGE. My parents drove out from California to see the new grandchild. Good choice. I got my iPhone. Good choice. I went to see For Today/MyChildren MyBride/ The Ghost Inside in MCMB's home town. Good Choice.
March - I started talking to Stephanie. Good choice at the time...I was wrong.

April - I start my sleeve, a rising sun to show overcoming depression. Good Choice. I go tubing with Brett and Travis, leave with bruised heals and butts. I go tubing with Brett and Travis again, Brett and I fall off a huge waterfall into a deep pool, good choice, we float down the river further and Brett and I fall off a smaller waterfall and land on rocks and almost drown. Bad Choice. I go to RFKC training in Madison and go see Saints Never Surrender/ Venia/ Ambush! that same night, all on 3 hours of sleep. Good choice.
May - I turn 21. Travis moves back in with his parents and thats the end of the snake pit. I get my chest tattooed. I get more work on my arm done. Good choice. Travis and I shave birthday mustache's cause I was born on Cinco De Mayo. Good Choice.
June - I move back to California. Stephanie becomes my girlfreind. I get offered my job at Coffee House Ideas. I do the video for RFKC. I go to Oxnard with Stephanie and her cousin and his wife, Stephanie and I go to Warped Tour. I got to see my best friend Nicole for the first time in 6 months. Good choice.

July - Filming on location in the mountains, my parents go out to Alabama for 2 weeks for my oldest nephews birthday. Started fighting with Stephanie a lot. Bad choice. I bought a camera and started doing photography. Good Choice.
August - Filmed a show for a client. Went to Vegas with Stephanie for 5 days, pierced my nose, skated with her cousin Ernie everyday. Realized that on a skateboard, for me at least, everything is perfect. Good Choice. Still fought with Stephanie a lot.

September - Fought with Stephanie a lot. Added a lot more to my arm. Broke up with Stephanie. Got my life back. Great choice. I became a vegetarian again.


October - Added color to my arm. My mom had heart surgery again...it got fixed this time. I started going to Lifeline and Pulse every week. Spent Halloween working at the church. Good choice.



November - I went to lunch with Jennifer. I started blogging a lot. I started dating Jenn. I started doing more photography for bands just for fun. I go snowboarding with Jenn and Steven and break my collar bone. Jenn went to Texas for Thanksgiving, which started bittersweet December. I had Thanksgiving with my bosses family. Jenn became my girlfriend officially. Great choice.



December - I go visit Alabama for 9 days. Good choice. A day and a half after I get back Jenn leaves for Massachusetts for 12 days. I film 24 episodes of a show for a client, I work 41 hours in 3 days. Bad choice. I go down to Pico Rivera and Santa Monica with Hannah and we run out of gas on the way home, while waiting for my cousin and uncle to come rescue us we actually finish the entire 99 bottles of beer song. Hilarious choice. Jenn comes home and we exchange Christmas presents, she got me this cute bracelet with our initials engraved on it.
All in all it was a good year. Those are just some of the notable incidents of my year. It was a good year, I never expected to move home, I never expected to start dating Jenn. I never thought I'd enjoy seeing people from high school again. Man how we grow.

Too Bright To See, Too Loud To Hear

So here is my list of top listens of 2009. Some of these werent released in 2009. Keep your eyes out for the CD's that don't fit, there are a few.

Anarbor - Free Your Mind
AFI - Crash Love
AFI - Sing The Sorrow
AFI - Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Eyes
Against Me! - New Wave
The All- American Rejects - When The World Comes Down
As Cities Burn - Come. Now. Sleep.
As Tall As Lions - As Tall As Lions
The Audition - Self-Titled Album
Betrayal - The Peoples Fallacy
Blood for Blood - Outlaw Anthems
Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me.
Bring Me The Horizon - Suicide Season
Carridale - Attack of the Bro-Bots(Redux)
City and Colour - Sometimes
City and Colour - Live
City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love
Confide - Shout The Truth
Crime in Stereo - Explosive and the Will to Use Them
Crime in Stereo - Is Dead
The Cure - Disintegration
Dance Gavin Dance - Happiness
Danger Radio - Punch Your Lights Out
Darkest Hour - Undoing Ruin
Dave Melillo - Talk is Cheap
A Day to Remember - Homesick
Dear and the Headlights - Drunk Like Bible Times
Deez Nuts - Stay True
Dr. Dre - Chronic 2001
Endwell - Consequences
Evergreen Terrace - Sincerity Is An Easy Disguise in This Business
Evergreen Terrace - Wolfbiker
Evergreen Terrace - Almost Home
Eye Alaska - Genesis Underground
Fight Fair! -Settle The Score
Finch - What it is to Burn
Fireworks - All I Have to Offer is my Own Confusion
Foo Fighters - One By One
For The Fallen Dreams - Relentless
For Today - Portraits
Four Year Strong - Rise or Die Trying
Gallows - Grey Britain
The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound
The Ghost Inside - Fury and the Fallen
Glassjaw - Worship and Tribute
The Glorious Unseen - Tonight the Stars Speak
The Great Commission - Every Knee Shall Bow
Gym Class Heroes - As Cruel as School Children
Gym Class Heroes - The Quilt
H2O - Nothing to Prove
The Higher - On Fire
Honey Honey - First Rodeo
I Am Terrified - I Am Terrified
Imogen Heap - Speak For Yourself
Impending Doom - The Serpent Servant
In Irons - Heartbeat of the Times
John Legend - Evolver
Johnny Craig - A Dream is a Question You Can't Answer
Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache
K'naan - Troubadour
Ligeia - Bad News
A Loss For Words - The Kids Can't Lose
Love Is Red - The Hardest Fight
Lydia - Illuminate
Lydia - This December...It's One More and I'm Free
Mayday Parade - A Lesson in Romantic's
Mayday Parade - Anywhere But Here
Means - Sending You Strength
Means - To Keep Me From Sinking
Misery Signals - Controller
MxPx - Secret Weapon
MyChildren, MyBride - Unbreakable
NeverShoutNever! - Me and My Uke
NeverShoutNever! - The Summer EP
NeverShoutNever! - The Yippee EP
No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom
Oceana - Birth Eater
The Offspring - Americana
The Offspring - Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace
Owl City - Ocean Eyes
Paramore - Brand New Eyes
The Red Baron - My First Love
Relient K - Mmhmm
Relient K - The Birds and The Bee Sides
Ruiner - Hell is Empty
Ruiner - I Heard These Dudes Were Assholes
Ruiner - Prepare to be Let Down
Saints Never Surrender - Brutus
Senses Fail - Still Searching
Senses Fail - Life is Not A Waiting Room
Set Your Goals - Mutiny!
Set Your Goals - This Will Be the Death of Us
Shai Hulud - Misanthropy Pure
Sleeping Giant - Dread Champions of the Last Days
Sleeping Giant - Sons of Thunder
The Starting Line - Directions
Stick To Your Guns - Comes From The Heart
T.I. - Paper Trail
Take It Back! - Cant Fight Robots
Teddy Gieger - Underage Thinking
This Will Destroy You - Young Mountains
Trenches - The Tide Will Swallow Us Whole
UnderOath - Lost in The Sound of Separation
Villette - Looks Like You Missed Out EP
xDeathstarx - We Are The Threat


The bold titles are cd's that meant more to me than just music and melodies. It helped me through rough times, helped me enjoy fun times and things like down. This year was full of ups and downs and it shows it in my music.

Sweet Home, Alabama

A few weeks ago I finally got to go out and visit Alabama. It was my first time visiting since I moved home in June. We left early on a Saturday morning to get to the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. We flew from Burbank to Phoenix then from Phoenix to Birmingham followed by a 2 hour drive up to Florence.


Once we got to my sisters house in Florence my good friends Travis and Courtney came and picked me up. It was my "Siamese twin that was separated at birth" Ashley's birthday and I was her surprise present. I walked into her apartment and she was so happy to see me. I got to see a lot of my old friends that night. I woke up the next morning to head to my old church and it caught so many people off guard that I was there, I miss that church family so so much. I spent the rest of the day with my family, just hanging out and playing with my nephews Sean Sean and Nolan.

Monday, as a family, we headed up to Nashville because The Pioneer Woman was doing a book signing and my mom and sister wanted to go. We stopped in Franklin to get some lunch with one of my sisters friends. It was pouring rain the entire day and we didn't get to leave Nashville until pretty late but it was nice to spend that time with the family.

Tuesday and Wednesday nothing epic really happened, just relaxing with the family and what not. Hung out with my old roommate and some friends after church on Wednesday.

Thursday my family did Christmas, I got an Alabama Snuggie, its pretty ridiculous, but hey, it keeps you warm....and its Alabama. That night I stayed at Trav's in the room above the garage and it had to have been the coldest room I ever slept in.

Friday one of my best friends out there played an acoustic show at the local coffee shop. That was the first time I ever sat through his entire set. That night I stayed at Ashley's again and just hung out with them the next day before heading over to Tomlins house and having the epic awkward off with his sister-in-law Hanna.

Sunday I went to church again and my good friend Allie came down from Tennessee and brought her friend Kristen and we all hung out after church and went to lunch at Olive Garden so we could get some good food and I could say hi to my old co workers. I took them to train-bridge to take some pictures because its on of my favorite places in the shoals to go, my ex took me when we first started dating and ever since then I loved it. Its the old train bridge that went across the Tennessee River and when they stopped using it they only destroyed the half that would get lifted for the barges. It only goes out to Patton Island but it just stops and doesn't allow you to get on the island.

The entire week it was freezing cold and mostly raining. I miss that weather so much. When I moved home I told everyone I'd move back eventually. I thought eventually was sooner rather than later but after going back I cant see myself out there any time soon.

The Wanderer

It was a dark and stormy Alabama night when I ventured over to the Tomlin Manor. If I knew the battle of my life was about to take place I would have told my family I loved them before I left. My nemesis was attempting to take embarrassing photos of the Tomlin couple for God knows what and it was up to me to come to the rescue.

These next images are graphic and may note be suitable fore someone with a weak stomach.

It started with close defensive maneuvers.

It quickly evolved into something more and I had to pull out an attachment to help me.

As the fight went on I was forced to pull out the big gun and try to snipe her from afar. Which I did...a couple times.
he sent two attack dogs after me towards the end of the battle.
It was an epic battle and a great rainy Saturday night in Florence.

A Camera Lens And Careful Days

I love writing. I've done it as a way to express myself when I didn't have any other way too. Its released the pressure inside me when I was about to explode; love, hate, jealousy, faith, God or lack-there-of, friends, betrayal, politics, You name it and I've written about it. I never, ever censor what I say or what I want to say. I write what I need to say with the mentality of "I don't give a fuck what you think." I always have and I always will write like that and over the years that mentality has just transferred into my life and I love it.

I've always had something to say, about everything. Nothing has ever been simple in my eyes or mind. I could never sum up everything in one short line and that's why I started writing. The thing is lately everything has been in simple explanations. This has happened before, I wouldn't call it writers block because I'm definitely inspired still; inspired to take photos, write blogs, learn more techniques for photography or in photoshop, but I can't write a poem to save my life and that why poetry was put into my life, to save it.

The thing about the last statement, I thought for the longest time that my ability to write poem's was Gods gift to keep me alive, to express how I felt when I was suicidal so I wouldn't actually kill myself. Poetry was placed in my life to save my life but it's not my poetry that's doing it. I believe with all my heart that my writing will save someone else life just like how other peoples poems have saved mine. I've always been obsessed with lyrics and there are always lyrics that are exactly what I want to say but for some reason I cant say;

"I can't forget you. I know you want me to want you I want to. I can't forgive you. I know you want me to want you I want to."- Mayday Parade

"So this I swear I know, it's not the chemicals. You are off my mind, I finally got away. You said it's such a life to remember, so come on, and we'll sleep away December." - Lydia

"Goddamn", he said, "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." - Have Heart

"I love you so damn much; I’ll even start to pray. I’ll put my faith in all your bullshit if it means you’ll stay." - Senses Fail

These are just a few examples of lyrics that, at some point or another, have done more for me than anything my friends could have said or I could have written.

In my mind, those four statements are some of the most beautiful lines ever written. I sit there an analyze them over and over again, shredding them to pieces. Like how the singer of Lydia says "it's not the chemicals" referring to his battle with depression and its one of those moments you get the privilege of having ever so often when you can actually think straight or the way the singer of Have Heart, out of pure frustration, says "I promised myself I'd never feel this fucking way again." Anyone that has ever dealt with depression can understand that feeling of finally being happy and fight the episode that's coming and finally it becomes to much. I could go on for days and days and days about just those four quotes.

I guess the only thing I'm really trying to say is....take what you want out of what you've read, everything is up for your own interpretation.




Side note...
The two pictures in this blog were taken about 3 and a half years apart. The top one was around December 2005 in Lancaster, CA in the middle of my depression and you can see how miserable I was. The other one was taken April 2009 in Madison, AL and I love that picture because I look so happy because I was genuinely happy in that picture. It's photographic proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the fight against depression. I never thought I would see that light but I did. If anyone reading this struggles with depression I can and will personally tell you there is hope, it does end.